Money
I’ve always been torn between my desire to serve and my love of “things”. I love nice clothes, fancy restaurants, traveling to unfamiliar places, attending cultural events, and buying pretty but useless things. At the same time, I am aware of all the suffering that goes on in the world and hope I have it in me to give everything I have to help others.
Now and then, I think of moving to one of the most undeveloped nations and opening up a clinic in the neediest area I can find. Some people think this is altruistic, but I think it is for me, in a sense, taking the easy way. [Let me emphasize that it is different for each person so what may be the “easy way” for me may be the “hard way” for someone else, and vice versa.] Allow me to explain…
If I were to remove myself completely from wealth and “escape” to an area of the world that has barely anything, then it will be quite easy for me to live the life of the people in that area (once I get past the difficult adjustment-period). If no one in the area has hot water, then I am fine not having it. If no one in the area has internet connection, then I am fine not having it. If no one in the area has the opportunity to go shopping for nice things, then I am fine not having it.
But, if I were to only partially remove myself from wealth, and thus occasionally come face-to-face with the things that I desire, then I am NOT fine not having those things. The exposure makes it difficult to overcome the desires.
It’s kind of like a child who is born in a poor area doesn’t realize how poor s/he is until s/he is exposed to people who are different, who are wealthy. When the child realizes s/he is poor and other people are living much better lives, s/he begins to want a better life, too. [Of course unlike the child, if I were to remove myself completely from wealth and nice things, I would still have the memory of these things that might make it difficult to be without them, but I also strongly believe in the ability to condition/adapt/change myself.]
Let me put this into context of the here and now in Honduras…
At first, it was not at all difficult for me to adjust to life here in Flor del Campo. I like to say that I was prepared for the worst but expecting the best. I was prepared to not have clean water, to not be able to dress how I would normally dress, to be mugged [hasn’t happened yet, knock-on-wood]… I didn’t mind the dirt floors of some of the poorest homes I’ve visited, the chickens running around in the streets, the unpaved roads, the animal droppings, the piles of trash… I didn’t need the things I sometimes think I “need” when I am living in a different setting. It was not difficult to adjust to life here because I knew whatever challenges I might face are nothing compared to the challenges of the people here. I was (and am) grateful for being alive, for having a loving and caring family, for having an education, for having a future…
But, after I visited some of the nicest homes in the wealthiest neighborhoods [they are very grandiose!], and after I met students my age at the Universidad, I began missing and wanting the things I don’t have here. I miss and want a big, bright, clean kitchen, nice art with which to decorate, room to entertain guests, freshly-mowed grass on which to play, new clothes and the shoes and jewelry to match, the latest technological gadgets… I feel guilty for wanting so much, and feel even worse because I know when I leave this place, I will indulge many of my desires. The brief exposure has made it a bit more difficult for me to be satisfied and grateful for the things I have.
I have had such inner conflicts for years now, so it’s not a new phenomenon I am writing about from Honduras. Over the years, I’ve spent many hours thinking of how to change myself, to overcome the part of me that loves “things”. It’s a constant struggle. Some days, I think my desires are terrible. Other days, I think it’s ok to treat myself to things as long as I don’t forget others. For a while now, I have adopted the thinking that someone shared with me once – everything I have is a great gift from God. If I have health and money and happiness, it’s ok to enjoy these things. It’s ok to enjoy God’s gifts and I don’t have to feel guilty for enjoying them. But, these are gifts given to me not because I deserve them, but because of God’s love for me. Similarly, I must love others in the same way, thus naturally resulting in the desire to share and give what I have. And while I can enjoy these gifts, I must not be attached to them. I must be able to give everything away.
But is this thinking just a way to justify my enjoying material things?
If I earn a million dollars/year, is it ok to spend $500,000 and give $500,000 away, or should I only keep just enough for my necessities and give the rest away? What if I earn $30 million dollars/year and give $29.5 million away and spend $500,000? I would still be able to live a very comfortable life full of material things with $500,000, so should I instead only keep just enough for my necessities and give more away?
I once learned in Sunday school that it is easier for a man who only has $10 to give 10% to the church than it is for a man who has $100,000 to give 10%. So true.
The thing is, as much as I consider moving to a developing country and opening a clinic or running a non-profit organization, I cannot ignore the importance of money. I don’t want to spend my time writing grants and asking for money (non-profits spend so much – too much – time doing this!). I’d rather have the resource available to me, i.e. if I were able to make a lot of money on my own, say as a successful surgeon, then my money would be readily available to use as I please (which in it of itself is risky, to have the money at my disposal! Guess a lot of it is about control…).
People who can serve in the field and people who can make the money to support the servers in the field need each other. As critical as I am of capitalism, it does enable people to help the less fortunate (who, ironically and unfortunately, exist largely because of capitalism…)
I’m not solely one or the other. While I want to serve in the field, I want to be financially successful, too. Of course service is more important to me than financial success so if I had to choose one, I am pretty sure I would choose the former. But if I become a financially successful person who serves others, I will undoubtedly face criticism, from others and from myself. If I believe in helping the less fortunate but allow myself to be financially successful and live a materially comfortable life, am I being a hypocrite?
Then again, maybe if I were only interested in being a doctor, I would be more likely to leave everything behind and open my little clinic. But I’m interested in more than that. I’m interested in politics and having international influence. I’m interested in interacting with world leaders and average citizens who can work together to bring about change. Unless I am more like Gandhi or Mother Teresa (and I am most certainly not), I will have more opportunities to have such influence if I have the financial means.
I sometimes wonder if I should allow myself to ramble on about such things as this to other people. It can be bad because people will hold me accountable to things. At the same time, it can be GOOD because people will hold me accountable to things…
Now and then, I think of moving to one of the most undeveloped nations and opening up a clinic in the neediest area I can find. Some people think this is altruistic, but I think it is for me, in a sense, taking the easy way. [Let me emphasize that it is different for each person so what may be the “easy way” for me may be the “hard way” for someone else, and vice versa.] Allow me to explain…
If I were to remove myself completely from wealth and “escape” to an area of the world that has barely anything, then it will be quite easy for me to live the life of the people in that area (once I get past the difficult adjustment-period). If no one in the area has hot water, then I am fine not having it. If no one in the area has internet connection, then I am fine not having it. If no one in the area has the opportunity to go shopping for nice things, then I am fine not having it.
But, if I were to only partially remove myself from wealth, and thus occasionally come face-to-face with the things that I desire, then I am NOT fine not having those things. The exposure makes it difficult to overcome the desires.
It’s kind of like a child who is born in a poor area doesn’t realize how poor s/he is until s/he is exposed to people who are different, who are wealthy. When the child realizes s/he is poor and other people are living much better lives, s/he begins to want a better life, too. [Of course unlike the child, if I were to remove myself completely from wealth and nice things, I would still have the memory of these things that might make it difficult to be without them, but I also strongly believe in the ability to condition/adapt/change myself.]
Let me put this into context of the here and now in Honduras…
At first, it was not at all difficult for me to adjust to life here in Flor del Campo. I like to say that I was prepared for the worst but expecting the best. I was prepared to not have clean water, to not be able to dress how I would normally dress, to be mugged [hasn’t happened yet, knock-on-wood]… I didn’t mind the dirt floors of some of the poorest homes I’ve visited, the chickens running around in the streets, the unpaved roads, the animal droppings, the piles of trash… I didn’t need the things I sometimes think I “need” when I am living in a different setting. It was not difficult to adjust to life here because I knew whatever challenges I might face are nothing compared to the challenges of the people here. I was (and am) grateful for being alive, for having a loving and caring family, for having an education, for having a future…
But, after I visited some of the nicest homes in the wealthiest neighborhoods [they are very grandiose!], and after I met students my age at the Universidad, I began missing and wanting the things I don’t have here. I miss and want a big, bright, clean kitchen, nice art with which to decorate, room to entertain guests, freshly-mowed grass on which to play, new clothes and the shoes and jewelry to match, the latest technological gadgets… I feel guilty for wanting so much, and feel even worse because I know when I leave this place, I will indulge many of my desires. The brief exposure has made it a bit more difficult for me to be satisfied and grateful for the things I have.
I have had such inner conflicts for years now, so it’s not a new phenomenon I am writing about from Honduras. Over the years, I’ve spent many hours thinking of how to change myself, to overcome the part of me that loves “things”. It’s a constant struggle. Some days, I think my desires are terrible. Other days, I think it’s ok to treat myself to things as long as I don’t forget others. For a while now, I have adopted the thinking that someone shared with me once – everything I have is a great gift from God. If I have health and money and happiness, it’s ok to enjoy these things. It’s ok to enjoy God’s gifts and I don’t have to feel guilty for enjoying them. But, these are gifts given to me not because I deserve them, but because of God’s love for me. Similarly, I must love others in the same way, thus naturally resulting in the desire to share and give what I have. And while I can enjoy these gifts, I must not be attached to them. I must be able to give everything away.
But is this thinking just a way to justify my enjoying material things?
If I earn a million dollars/year, is it ok to spend $500,000 and give $500,000 away, or should I only keep just enough for my necessities and give the rest away? What if I earn $30 million dollars/year and give $29.5 million away and spend $500,000? I would still be able to live a very comfortable life full of material things with $500,000, so should I instead only keep just enough for my necessities and give more away?
I once learned in Sunday school that it is easier for a man who only has $10 to give 10% to the church than it is for a man who has $100,000 to give 10%. So true.
The thing is, as much as I consider moving to a developing country and opening a clinic or running a non-profit organization, I cannot ignore the importance of money. I don’t want to spend my time writing grants and asking for money (non-profits spend so much – too much – time doing this!). I’d rather have the resource available to me, i.e. if I were able to make a lot of money on my own, say as a successful surgeon, then my money would be readily available to use as I please (which in it of itself is risky, to have the money at my disposal! Guess a lot of it is about control…).
People who can serve in the field and people who can make the money to support the servers in the field need each other. As critical as I am of capitalism, it does enable people to help the less fortunate (who, ironically and unfortunately, exist largely because of capitalism…)
I’m not solely one or the other. While I want to serve in the field, I want to be financially successful, too. Of course service is more important to me than financial success so if I had to choose one, I am pretty sure I would choose the former. But if I become a financially successful person who serves others, I will undoubtedly face criticism, from others and from myself. If I believe in helping the less fortunate but allow myself to be financially successful and live a materially comfortable life, am I being a hypocrite?
Then again, maybe if I were only interested in being a doctor, I would be more likely to leave everything behind and open my little clinic. But I’m interested in more than that. I’m interested in politics and having international influence. I’m interested in interacting with world leaders and average citizens who can work together to bring about change. Unless I am more like Gandhi or Mother Teresa (and I am most certainly not), I will have more opportunities to have such influence if I have the financial means.
I sometimes wonder if I should allow myself to ramble on about such things as this to other people. It can be bad because people will hold me accountable to things. At the same time, it can be GOOD because people will hold me accountable to things…
posted by starburst at
22:59
1 Comments:
i understand this post more than i can say, stella. i suppose the decision i have come to is that it is truly all about balance. giving everything away will help others but (arguably) hurt yourself; keeping everything helps no one but yourself. somewhere in the middle, where you are happy (& happy to give) & you are also able to help people seems to be the best solution.
i'm enjoying reading!
i hope you're well.
xx,
Lori.
By
Anonymous, at 10 January, 2006 20:25
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